Energies4Life Newsletter - September 2009

There are many different forms of self-sabotage that can touch just about every area of our lives; from relationships to health to career success, and it seems that nearly always our internal saboteur is locked away in our subconscious minds.  We are often completely unaware of how our actions (or inactions) are affecting our lives.

Often we can be subconsciously frightened by a particular outcome, even though we may on a conscious level really want to achieve it. One of the most common examples is that of losing weight. Many overweight people have struggled for years, tried diet after diet, and still can’t lose the weight or keep it off. But what’s actually happening beneath the surface? Do they really want to lose those kilos or is there an inner struggle going on? What if their being overweight is somehow providing a protective cushion of security in an uncertain world? What if they feel the need to cover up and conceal themselves? What if they lose the weight and still don’t get a boyfriend? No more being able to use the weight problem as an excuse for being unlucky in love. Losing weight then, at a certain level, can become a threatening and scary possibility. “Do I really want to leave this comfort zone? After all, I’ve been overweight for all these years; at least I know where I am. At least I can feel safe in this place”.

So, as they wrestle with these inner conflicts, they might sabotage their diets in order to avoid feeling vulnerable and exposed. Even though they say that they want to lose weight and consciously mean it when they say it, they still might set themselves up for failure by sneaking food, skipping exercise and then making a promise that they’ll try harder tomorrow.

Fear can also play a part when we self-sabotage regarding relationships and career goals. Fear of success can be just as paralysing as fear of failure. Many people fear success because it tests their limits and makes them vulnerable in new situations. What if things don’t work out? “Maybe it’s just safer to stay where I am. I don’t want to risk getting hurt”. Another underlying fear is that success can expose our own weaknesses and vulnerabilities and potentially force us to have to deal with our flaws. This is scary stuff indeed; scary because success involves change and risk. If one achieves a measure of success then that brings with it more challenges and responsibilities, which can also be threatening. “Can I live up to these responsibilities? Have I got what it takes? Can I sustain it or are people going to see through me and spot my vulnerabilities?” Do you ask yourself questions like these? Have you sabotaged yourself in the past? Are you doing it now?

Here are some typical examples of self-sabotage:
 - Finding really good reasons for cancelling that first date or job interview.
 - Procrastinating by putting off important projects and events and getting sidetracked with unimportant (and unthreatening) tasks instead.
 - Partying the night before that job interview, exam or big presentation.
 - Negative, pessimistic thoughts and behaviour: “What’s the point of making all that effort, when it’s bound not to work out anyway”?
 - Too many distractions, too much inaction: There’s nothing like wasting hours on the internet or watching TV to take you miles away from your goals, hopes and dreams.

Another self-sabotage behaviour that many of us will relate to is when things don’t turn out as we’d hoped, planned or worked hard for: Expectation self-sabotage. There is nothing wrong with having expectations; in fact expectations are what move us forward. Problems arise however when we get too attached to a specific outcome.

We think that we’re going to get certain results from our efforts and if things don’t turn out that way, it’s at this point that we can begin to sabotage ourselves by becoming angry, bitter or frustrated at the lack of expected outcome. As we start focusing on the frustration, this can lead to a feeling of personal failure, or perhaps we prefer to waste time and energy looking for something or someone else to blame! Either way we start to feel powerless, tired and frustrated and can waste hours of precious time analyzing what went wrong and why this has happened to us. As we become firmly enmeshed in victim mentality, we move further and further away from our original goal; disempowering ourselves and sabotaging any future outcomes. “Why didn’t this work out? I worked so hard for it. I did all the right things, ticked all the boxes. More than anyone I deserve to have it and now I feel completely demoralized”. Does any of this sound familiar? If so, what steps can we take to avoid this particular sabotaging behaviour?

Basically, it all comes down to paying attention to what you’re thinking about and what thoughts you are telling yourself. Are you blaming others? Are you thinking that nothing ever works for you? Are you stuck analyzing the past instead of dealing with life in the present? You need to go back to basics and remind yourself what your ultimate goal is. Now is the moment to focus on the direction that you want to go. 

Ask yourself the following questions:
 - How do I get there?
 - How can I achieve my goal?
 - What do I need to do differently this time?
 - What am I willing to do in order to succeed?
 - What do I need to change about the current situation in order to get what I want?
 - What sort of adjustments do I need to make?
 - How flexible can I be in order to get what I want?

These questions will help to move you forwards.

You also need to remember that not getting what you want isn’t a failure. It’s actually valuable knowledge that you’ve just gained. You’re one step closer to achieving your goal because you’ve just discovered something that doesn’t work. You can now consider different options, a new flexibility and be more focused on what will work!

So, whenever you’re in a phase where you’re feeling stuck, pay attention to your thoughts and see whether you have gone off the track by concentrating on what you don’t want. Next, turn your thoughts back and focus on what you do ultimately want to achieve. Remember that nothing is set in stone and that sometimes life can take us on detours or new routes that we would never have anticipated. As we grow and change and our abilities and skills develop, the more open and flexible we can be in our thinking and behaviours the better for us, on every level.

For more help or advice on any self-sabotaging behaviours that may be holding you back, please get in touch with michelle@energies4life.com

Thanks for reading this month’s article and don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions or comments. I always appreciate your feedback.

Until next month,

Michelle Clemons